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Search Results 0 to 49 of about 562 (some duplicates have been removed)
welcome to the report, everybody. thank you so much for joining us. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. (cheers and applause) thank you, thank you so much. thank you. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. that fervent chanting of my name will hold me over until i can get home and chant it into a mirror. (laughter) nation, we are a mere 12 days away from the election. and it is my solemn obligation as a newsman to bring you the most cutting edge, baseless decimations of who is going to win. now this much we know, folks. the election could be swung by one key voting bloc. >> women! >> stephen: yes! it's the ladies! who are they going to vote for? well, according to a new report on cnn.com, women vote based on their oflation cycle. (laughter) the study says that when single women are ovulatting they feel sexier and therefore lean more toward liberal attitudes on abortion and marriage equality. which is why instead of e-mails, obama is just sending late night texts that say "you up? folks. -- (app
) ( cheers and applause ) whooo! whooo! yes, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the report. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, thank you. i could fly higher than an eagle for you are the wind beneath my wings. nation this has been a tough few weeks for america. first hurricane sandy ravaged the east coast. then obama was re-elected. do you know he is coming for our guns. how will we fight the next hurricane? (laughter) well, on friday, folks, our nation was dealt yet another blow. >> out of nowhere cia director david petraeus resigned after admitting he cheated on his wife. the other woman the person who wrote his biography, paula broadwell. >> stephen: their, he had an affair with his biographer, all-in, it appears-- it a pores that the title of chapter five anaconda-- (laughter) >> stephen: may not refer to a ground offense any afghanistan. whole different type of surge. (laughter) well, folks, this explosive revelation puts every biographer and subject under suspicio
>> stephen: tonight, there's a war on men! it's like the war on women, but the soldiers are paid 25% less. (laughter) then will the senate put an end to the filibuster? i'll tell you in a segment that never ends. (laughter) and my guest, frank oz has a new director's cut of "little shop of horrors." it's got 20 bonus minutes of rick moranis nude scenes. g.m. and apple are teaming up to bring siri to cars. or as siri understood it, eminem and snap rl teaming up to bring cherrys to mars. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the "report" everybody, good to have you with us. thank you so much. (audience chanting "stephen") thank you so much, please sit down! let's get to our top story tonight. television host stephen colbert has announced his resignation from "the colbert report" effective immediately. (laughter) because, folks, i am stinking filthy rich! (laughter) jimmy, tell them why! >> power bavl sales are skyrocketing, upping both the jackpot and the odds that somebody will actually win the b
) >> stephen: welcome to the "report," everybody! (cheers and applause) thank you so much! change so much, ladies and gentlemen. (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen") thank you, ladies and gentlemen. you're too kind. thank you for joining us. (cheers and applause) folks, folks i wish everybody at home could be here in the studio tonight. these people have made me feel like king of the road. (laughter) (cheers and applause) thank you for joining us. nation, i am happy. it's the christmas season. or as my jewish viewers call it: christmas. (laughter) no exceptions. but there is one bit of yuletide news that's making visions of anger plums dance in my head. jim? >> one man's heart is two sizes too small this holiday season. he was arrested in canada for lying and telling kids that santa claus doesn't exist. 24-year-old man walked the parade route in ontario saying "santa's not for real." >> stephen: nation, this story sickens me. this canadian grinch just let the cat out of the bag. or, as they say in canada, the beaver out of the beaver pelt satchel. (laughter) they've got a l
a captioning sp (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report. >> stephen, steph captioning sponsored by comedy central stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: good to have you with us, ladies and gentlemen! (cheers and applause) folks, it is no secret, it is absolutely no secret why there is electricity in the air tonight. nation, it is election eve. just hours left in the 2012 campaign. both camp dats-- can dats are pulling out all the stops. >> here is the president's final two day, florida, new hampshire, colorado, ohio, wisconsin and eye watch. let me show you the mitt romney schedule. he's trying to go into pennsylvania. it's florida, it's virginia, it's new hampshire. >> stephen: so if you live in one of these states, "the colbert report" is now issuing a severe candidate warning. be prepared with fresh water and flashlights and please, if you have a single working class female suburban undecided vote never your home, cover her with plywood. or she could just get sukd up into a vortex of pandering. now folks, over a year ago i promised to make you a pl
>> stephen: welcome to the "report" everybody, good to have you with us. thank you so much. (audience chanting "stephen") thank you so much, please sit down! let's get to our top story tonight. television host stephen colbert has announced his resignation from "the colbert report" effective immediately. (laughter) because, folks, i am stinking filthy rich! (laughter) jimmy, tell them why! >> power bavl sales are skyrocketing, upping both the jackpot and the odds that somebody will actually win the big prize tonight. it sits at $550 million. >> stephen: $550 million! suck my powerball! (laughter and applause) jimmy, play my jam. ♪ you're a rich girl and you've gone too far ♪ because you know it don't matter anyway -- ♪ (cheers and applause) ♪ you can rely on the old man's money -- ♪ >> stephen: now -- (laughs) whoo! (cheers and applause) now i know that lotto money is going to be mine, okay? even though the drawing hasn't happened yet, even though the odds of winning are 175 million to one. because i bought 175 million tickets. (laughter) and i'm guaranteed to win,
's not for real." >> stephen: nation, this story sickens me. this canadian grinch just let the cat out of the bag. or, as they say in canada, the beaver out of the beaver pelt satchel. (laughter) they've got a lot of beavers up there. it's actually something of a problem. (laughter) but what can i say? there's no point denying it anymore: there is no santa claus (audience reacts) in canada. (laughter) okay? (cheers and applause) down here he's real, okay? and he brings toys to all the good girls and boys-- just not in canada. (laughter) sometimes he flies over canada on his way to america from the north pole and occasionally he'll stop at a tim horton's so his reindeer can use the bathroom. (laughter) word to the wise: don't go in after donner, okay? (laughter) there's a reason his name is german for "thunder." (laughter) but he doesn't stop in canada. i mean, think about it. a flying bearded man delivering toys all over the world in a single night? that doesn't make any sense. he only has time to do it in one country. so obviously he's going with america. (cheers and applause) why do you think p
>> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much! (cheers and applause) folks, i hope you had a great thanksgiving. i did. first of all a caught up on homeland. you guys see that show on the showtime channel. i love that chaenl. now if you haven't seen it, it's the twisting tale of an iraq war vet who may or may not be a terrorist op rattive, or a double agent whose's been brainwashed by al qaeda who matches wits with a by polar cia op rattive who is convinced that he's part of an attack against america and is an on-again, off-again affair with him. >> here what i can't figure out. when do they charge their cell phones? they're always on them. always! and they're always full, never plugged into anything. not even in the car. it's always like full bars. dc, beirut, baghdad, great reception. makes the whole thing kind of unbelievable. (laughter) anyway, hi a great thanksgiving. i celebrated the traditional manner with my family or as the indi
. >> stephen: their, he had an affair with his biographer, all-in, it appears-- it a pores that the title of chapter five anaconda-- (laughter) >> stephen: may not refer to a ground offense any afghanistan. whole different type of surge. (laughter) well, folks, this explosive revelation puts every biographer and subject under suspicion. meaning we can now say with some certainty that dora concerns goodwin banged abraham lincoln. i mean just listen-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: just listen to what she said on my show last week. >> it's sexy, don't you think? >> stephen: you mean lincoln or daniel-day lewis. was lincoln sexy? >> i think so and i've been saying it for years but everybody thought i was crazy. >> stephen: you pulitzer prize winning whore! (laughter) once again, my apologies to doris kerns goodwin, she is a great lady, no one should ever say that about her. (laughter) but folks, i too have a painful admission to make. you see, i am the author of two glowing books about myself. i am america, and so you can. and the new america again, rebecome the greatness we never weren't
i have a pennsylvania line in my speech an captioning sponsored by comedy central >> stephen: tonight new york after sandy. welcome to the city that never showers. (laughter) then mitt romney scores an unlikely endorsement, mitt romney from two months ago. and my guest david byrne and st. vincent have a new album called love this giant. it's a fan letter to chris christie. a new report says that paul ryan likes to shoot deer with handguns. and when he finds out who leaked that to the media that deer is going to get it. this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcomed to report, everybody! thank you, ladies and gentlemen. stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen slarm stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) nation, thank you so much. i am so happy you're all here with me in the wake of hurricane sandy. countedless people are still struggling. and before we go on i would like to address the millions in the tristate area without power. and i'm going
) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcomed to report, everybody! thank you, ladies and gentlemen. stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen slarm stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) nation, thank you so much. i am so happy you're all here with me in the wake of hurricane sandy. countedless people are still struggling. and before we go on i would like to address the millions in the tristate area without power. and i'm going to talk a little louder right now because i know their tvs aren't working. (laughter) power challenged nation, please put down the peanut butter are you licking out of your mousetrap and just listen up for a minute. i want to you hang in there. the national guard is assisting the jersey shore. governor chris christie and president obama have been strategizing together on the cleanup. and joe biden is using his teeth to illuminate hoboken. folks-- (cheers and applause) lovely set of choppers. now folks we've all been affected by the storm. even me. yes, i still have power at both my office and my home and my other home. and gas and heat and phone
big lead over wendy long. >> ms. long, have you read "50 shades of gray?" . >> no. >> stephen: tonight, an october surprise that could bring down obama. and a rocktober surprise that could bring jethro tull to your town! [ laughter ] then, it's autumn. don't forget to go outside and watch the beautiful changing of mitt romney's positions. [ laughter ] and my guest, chrystia freeland, says the wealthy are leaving the rest of the world behind. yeah. that's kinda the point. [ laughter ] scientists have found a turtle that pees through its mouth. or has a penis that looks like a face. [ laughter ] this is "the colbert report." [ captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) holy cow. wow. [cheers and applause] ladies and gentlemen, unbelievable. you will not believe -- [crowd chanting stephen] oh, my gosh. thank you. [cheers and applause] welcome to the report, thank you for joining us. i don't -- folks -- i don't know if can tell with a just happened but i just got buried underneath an avalanche of love. [cheers and applause] a love-alanch, will you
(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report! thank you for joining us! choo, choo, choo! hello! (cheers and applause) stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> thank you, ladies and gentlemen. you are the greatest! thank you very much. i got to tell you, when i get that kind of 4r06 from you folks i just want to go up into the stands and cradle you in my arms like a baby. (cheers and applause) folks you know me, you know my broadcasting ca roar has been dedicated to celebrating american exceptionalism. that special je ne sai quoi that americans have that keep us from knowing things like what je ne sais quoi means, i don't know. but for some time now americans have been in decline. and i have been searching for the exact moment when we went from being the u.s. of a to the u.s. of eh. well, folks, i think i found it, fasten your seat belts. and incidentally, if are you wearing seat belts to watch tv, you're part of the problem. >> it sounds preposterous but the united states has to factor into the cold ware to p
) >> oh, yes! oh, i am feeling good! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen -- >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: oh, that's nice! (cheers and applause) anybody else do see that debate last night? folks, it a whole new horse race! mitt smoked obama! metaphorically, of course, mormons can't smoke! and folks, after last night's debate in denver our image of these two men has completely changed. and i am not the only one who knows it. >> it looked like romney wanted to be there and president obama didn't want to be there. >> stephen: yes! it was like obama wasn't even there. he hasn't done this poorly since he debated clint eastwood. (laughter) meanwhile-- (cheers and applause) meanwhile, romney was the alpha mitt, slapping obama around. and, anyone else who got in mitt away. >> i'm sorry, jim, i'm going to stop the subsidy to pbs. i will stop other things. i like pbs. i like big bird, i actually like you too. but i'm not going to keep on spending money for things to borrow from china to pay for it. >> stephen: he j
>> stephen: tonight, what is art, a three letter word for disappointing your parents. then scientists released a study on friendship. and squirt shampoo in arabity's eye, it is what they do. and my guest is msnbc host rachel maddout. if she's here then who is getting ratings on msnbc. a nine-year-old boy spent his parent's life savings on candy. he shouldn't have paid full price for that $100,000 bar. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) (cheers and applause) thank you ladies and gentlemen. stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. nation, you know, here in the tristate area we are still dealing with the aftermath of hurricane sandy. things got so bad that people if brooklyn were forced to live like they were in the 19th century instead of just dressing like it. but just, just when we thought that the worse was over we got hit again. >> a new nor'easter is slamming
) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ) ( laughter ) >> stephen: what are you people doing here? shouldn't you be out celebrating? ( cheers and applause ) because evidently, you don't listen to anything i say! i've been bringing you the truth for seven years, and how do you repay me? four more years of hopi-change. ( applause ) what do you think? what do you think? you think i do this night after night for your amusement? i do it for america. what's the point? ( cheers and applause ) ( sighs ) ( laughter ) >> who the win the $10,000 prize? ( laughter ) ( applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: okay, apparently, i am contractually obliigate to do a show. thank you very much, thank you very much. okay, um, all right, fine. all right, let's-- ah, let's do this. um, so, if i have to, i have to. let's talk about the big election. last night, due to the technicality called the constitution, barack obama was re-elected president. though-- ( cheers ) ( applause ) uh. ( bleep ) you. ( laughter ) ( applause ) now, folks, keep in mind, ke
"stephen") >> stephen: welcome to the "report." thank you, ladies and gentlemen, thank you for joining us in here out there. i'm sure you can tell by that chanting this crowd has gotten c oshslbmentum. (laughter) ladies and gentlemen, last night was the third and final presidential debate. it threw much-need attention to two key domestic issues, "monday night football" and the national league championship. (laughter) as you remember, folks, the first debate was a blowout win for romney. the second debate-- also happened. (laughter) so let's get the truth of night three in "stephen colbert's debate 2012 coverage." two men, one wheel. who gets to drive us over the cliff? (laughter) (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) these people are huge fans of buick. (laughter) i was so excited because last night was officially the foreign policy debate. unfortunately-- and i do not know this-- that means you have to talk about a lot of other stupid countries. (laughter) and this being boca raton, florida, they hit all the important ones. >> israel is a true friend, it is our greatest ally in the
playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the "report"! (audience chanting "stephen") thank you, ladies and gentlemen, good to have you with us! please, everybody, please. good to have you with us and, folks, it is good to be back. first of all i'm okay. (laughter) how's everybody here? everybody okay? (cheers and applause) full disclosure: this isn't actually my audience. we're actually one ago shelter tonight. (laughter) most of these people are just here to recharge their iphones. (cheers and applause) and to take a bum shower in the bathroom sink. (laughter) little gamey. because we have all come through one hell of a storm, folks. of course, our thoughts and prayers are with the 60 million americans throughout 20 states who have been hit by hurricane sandy. this record surge has devastated communities from north carolina to maine. 62 people at least have died. power station explosions and downed lines have left eight million people without electricity-- including new york city below 39th street. in new jersey, the national guard has been sent in to rescue more than 20,0
term. what's your response? >> discrimination! >> stephen: tonight, how is technology revolutionizing wall street? now you can lose your life savings in hi def. (laughter) and my guest, writer tony kushner penned the screenplay to the movie "lincoln." no one tell me how it ends. (laughter) an oil painting on bob barker is on ebay for $3.5 million. i bid one dollar. (laughter) this is "the colbert report" (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: good to have you with us! (audience chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. thank you for your support. you know i mean that. welcome to the "report." i've got to thank you people for standing with me and standing by me and standing behind me because for seven years running the "report" has been the number one cable news show on this network at 11:30. (cheers and applause) it's official. i just found that out. folks, you don't get to the top without making a few enemies. so once again it's time for "who's attacking me now?"
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 562 (some duplicates have been removed)

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